Creating a Family: By blood, through law or from friendship ...

For those of us who took the plunge and left our hometowns, whether it was for school, a job, or just an adventure, we may find ourselves raising our children without the traditional family support system.?

I grew up in a suburb of Baltimore, where my family had lived for generations, surrounded by many families who had done the same, whose grandparents went to high school with my grandparents.

I began my parenting years in Florida.?My parents moved there just before I became pregnant with my first son; my brother moved there during the year after. Their other grandparents had a winter home not far away.?I brought my sons into a strong family environment, even though no other relatives lived in the state and we had no real history in that area.

I relocated to another part of Florida with only my children in 2005.?Suddenly, we were too far for weekly dinners or after school outings.?It was a difficult transition for all, but we established a routine by which my parents would visit every other Thursday and return home the next day.?Still, we lacked the sense of community I experienced as a child.

When I met Bryan, we were both primary custodial parents for our children.?Our children?s best interest guided the path of our relationship. In the beginning, I swept into my stepchildren?s lives and brought my children with me. I single-mindedly believed that the excitement all the children felt about living together would continue, although I thought it would morph into regular sibling behavior. Even though I read all the step-parenting and blended family books and Web site articles I could get my hands on, it did not occur to me that we could not be a family just by saying we were a family. I thought biology did not matter; all that mattered was a willingness to become a family.

I discounted the roles of our children?s other parents.?I assumed that a lack of daily involvement translated into a lack of influence.?Needless to say, I was wrong.?I don?t begrudge my stepchildren?s relationship with their mother, just as I try to encourage a relationship between my sons and their father.?Bryan and I are very clear in our agreement that he is not my children?s father and I am not his children?s mother, even though early on, when all seven of us were still in the honeymoon phase of our family relationship, we reiterated the theme that he is THE father and I am THE mother in our house.

It is our actions that reinforce the family unit we created.?We care for each other?s children in sickness and in health.?I feel the foreheads of all five children with my lips and dispense medicine and advice.?Bryan just spent five days caring for my son, home sick with what turned out to be a sinus infection, so I did not have to miss work. He was the one who made sure that my son drank enough, that he rested and his fever did not get too high.?He participated in the decision about what treatment and diagnostic tools were appropriate.?He took him for X-rays and picked up his medicine.?For another son, Bryan took him to doctor?s visits and tests, asked questions and signed paperwork (after I authorized him to do so).?

I was the one at the baseball field with four of the children when my stepdaughter tripped on her flip-flop while playing tag and broke her arm for the second time.?I calmed her, determined with the help of kind strangers that she needed the emergency room and coordinated care for the other children so my husband and I could be with her at the hospital.?

Sometimes, we all watch TV together, legs and arms tangled until we become uncomfortable or Bryan and I long for quiet, adult time. Even now, the children lean on each other on sofas, tend to leave out the word ?step? when describing each other and plot against us in a quest for ice cream.?We gradually established routines and acquired memories.

So, why does biology matter??People adopt and raise children they did not give birth to all the time.?Can you love people at the same level when you are not related to them by blood??Of course.?

We are not related to our spouses by blood.?Should it also make a difference if you did not experience the early years of a child who is not your blood relative, but to whom you are now related by law? It should not.?Some families embrace the children of their child?s spouse the same way as their own biological grandchildren.?

However, there are times when our genetic differences, the influences of an absent parent and dissimilar values render us merely roommates. We are sadly aware that we cannot always impose our values on each other.?I glance from afar at the seemingly happy families, parent and child moving together harmoniously, their common genes bonding them. I know the grass is not always greener, but I still sometimes romanticize the biological family unit.??

When the rose-colored mist clears, I remember that my friends, who share children with their current husbands, also have problems.?They disagree with their husbands about child-rearing, fight over helping their children with homework, and spar about leniency over discipline issues or budgets.

I also remember our Sunday evening meals with my best friend, her children and Bryan?s father.?We came together for those weekly occasions as one unit, despite origins on two different continents and three bloodlines.?Our children considered each other more than just friends; with few other blood relatives in the area, all of us felt like family.

I conclude this essay with the conviction that families can be created many ways.?It is up to us to open our hearts and our minds and remember that our capacity to love is limitless.

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About this column:

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council will take your questions, give advice and share solutions. Caregivers in our community will have a new resource for questions about the myriad of issues that arise while raising children.

Source: http://tolland.patch.com/articles/creating-a-family-by-blood-through-law-or-from-friendship

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